Last November, we tackled the surprisingly popular concept of No Fap November. Well, it’s that time of year again, and it’s worth revisiting this trend that, frankly, just needs to go away, for the sake of men (and their sexual partners) everywhere!
So, what is No Fap November?
In case you missed it, this is a movement—especially popular on Reddit—where men pledge to abstain from masturbation (aka “fapping”) for the entire month of November. The idea? Build up all their sexual juices or sexual energy or whatever you want to call it, and then come December, unleash a torrent of sexual prowess that will magically fix all their sexual struggles. It’s designed for men who may struggle with feelings of guilt or shame around porn use, who are experiencing sexual dysfunction (like erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation), or men who believe that cutting out self-pleasure will reset their sexual health.
But spoiler alert: it doesn’t work that way. At all.
The Truth About Sexual Function: It’s Not a Gas Tank You Fill Up
One of the biggest misconceptions about No Fap November is the idea that abstaining from sexual activity somehow fuels sexual desire, like you’re storing up fuel in a tank. But sexual functioning doesn’t work like that. Dr. Rosemary Basson’s sexual response cycle, for example, teaches us that sexual response is not just a physiological event. It’s an incentive motivation model. Translation: You need positive incentives to feel motivated to engage in sexual activity.
If you go a whole month without engaging in any form of sexual activity, guess what? Those incentives dry up. You’re essentially teaching your brain that sex isn’t a priority. The old saying “if you don’t use it, you lose it” actually rings true here. We see this all the time in clients experiencing low sexual desire. They avoid sex, the desire dwindles, and before you know it, sex becomes more of a chore than a pleasure…. or, even worse, it becomes something they actively dread.
Low Desire: It’s Not Just a Female Thing
Speaking of low sexual desire, did you know it’s actually one of the most common issues for men? Yep, it’s not all about erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE). But because ED and PE are more obvious and “talked about,” low desire often flies under the radar or gets written off as just stress or fatigue. There’s no space in the current cultural conversation to talk about men who just… don’t want sex sometimes.
Why No Fap November Makes Things Worse
Let’s get real about what No Fap November does to men. It screws them up in two significant ways:
1. It kills the motivation to engage in sex:
Abstaining from all sexual activity means you’re not paying attention to the mental and physical stimuli that spark desire. You’re ignoring all the little “gas pedals” that make sex enjoyable. And without those, your brain’s motivation to engage in sexual activity takes a nosedive.
2. It increases stress and anxiety:
The pressure to abstain combined with existing worries about sexual function often leads to a cycle of stress. Men think, “I use too much porn; I’m ruining my sexual function.” Then, during a sexual encounter, they hyper-focus on their penis and confirm their fears at the slightest change in their erection. This leads to more stress, which makes the erection disappear, which makes the whole situation worse. It’s a vicious cycle.
3. It increases guilt and shame around porn use:
Another downside is that it often amplifies feelings of guilt and shame surrounding porn use, something that’s completely natural and can be part of a healthy sexual experience. The narrative of abstaining as a “cleanse” reinforces the idea that there’s something inherently wrong or dirty about using porn. This mindset deepens the shame, making it even harder to establish a positive, healthy relationship with sexual pleasure—whether solo or partnered. The more guilt and shame men carry, the more their relationship with sexuality and their own bodies suffers.
4. It misses the point of engaging the full spectrum of sexual arousal:
“No Fap November” completely misses the point when it comes to training the brain for better sexual function. Sexual desire and satisfaction rely on activating all possible “gas pedals,” which include stimuli, context, novelty, mental engagement, present-moment awareness, sexual arousal, and positive reinforcement. Simply avoiding sexual activity doesn’t teach your brain how to enhance or sustain sexual excitement. In fact, it does the opposite by depriving it of the practice it needs to respond to various forms of stimulation. The result? When you do engage in sex again, you might find it more difficult to hit those essential gas pedals, leaving you feeling disconnected or even disappointed.
The Truth About Porn
One of the main drivers behind No Fap November is the idea that porn ruins your sexual health. But the high-quality, unbiased research we have says otherwise. Moderate porn use is associated with better, more fulfilling sex lives—including with partners. Why? Because if you know what turns you on, you can communicate that to your partner, making sex more enjoyable for both of you.
The problem isn’t porn itself; it’s how you use it. Using porn to emotionally cope—whether that’s to fight boredom, reduce stress, or reassure yourself that your equipment still works—can harm your relationship with it. Unfortunately, this is how many men use porn, and this can lead to trouble because it becomes to “go to” coping strategies, instead of alternative tools that can be more helpful, and at less cost. Tools like deep breathing, engaging in meaningful activities, connection with loved ones, thought challenging techniques, or radical acceptance of unpleasant experiences.
The answer isn’t to stop using porn entirely; it’s to change the way you engage with it.
Let’s Flip the Script: How About Go Fap November?
So instead of No Fap November, let’s embrace Go Fap November—but with a twist. Let’s make it mindful fapping. Pay attention to what excites you. Notice the type of touch, the visual and auditory stimuli that really work for you. This isn’t just about physical pleasure; it’s about tuning into your body and mind in a way that enhances your overall sexual experience.
Why Mindfulness Matters for Men’s Sexual Function
Studies show that practicing mindfulness can significantly improve men’s experience of sexual function. It helps you turn down the volume on those intrusive thoughts like “Is this going to work?” and “What if I lose my erection?” By being present in the moment, you activate your parasympathetic nervous system—the system that allows you to stay calm, collected, and in the zone. And when you’re in that state, guess what? The penis can actually do what he’s meant to do. Sexual arousal requires that you be in a calm, relaxed state; it is impossible to achieve if you are highly stressed, worried, or paying more attention to whether your partner is enjoying themself than ensuring that you are getting the touch your body needs. In short: Sex becomes a lot more enjoyable.
No Fap November Alternative For Better Sex
Instead of swearing off masturbation for a month and setting yourself up for disappointment, focus on developing a healthier relationship with sex, porn, and self-pleasure. Engage in activities that help you stay present and relaxed. Talk openly with your partner about what works for you. And if you need help, know that it’s okay to reach out for professional guidance.
The Tri Health Clinic: Here to Help
At The Tri Health Clinic, we have a team of expert clinicians who specialize in helping men build better relationships with themselves, their partners, and yes, even porn. We offer evidence-based approaches that are tailored to help you improve your sexual function, manage stress, and enhance your overall well-being. And the best part? We can book you an appointment within a week.
So this November, skip the No Fap and come see us instead. Your future self will thank you.
